F*&K YOUR CHI: IRON FIST SEASON 2 BLOG
Quite literally, there is no possible world on which watching Season 2 of Iron Fist would constitute a good idea. Not even in some 8th-Dimensional hellish psychoscape ruled by the Conceptual Godheads of Disappointment and Shoddy Executions would anyone say, “They made a second season of that goddamn brilliance? Put that motherfucker on the screen!” It is impossible to find a reasonable, non-ironic or non-sadomasochist reason to engage with Marvel’s weakest offering (and I’m including Agents of SHIELD here).
You can’t have a good reason to watch Iron Fist because Season 1 exists, and what a firecracker of a shitshow nightmare it was. Not only did all the characters represent shoddy versions of better comic book characters (case in point: the evil C.E.O. who took over for The Rands, a Lex Luthor archetype terrified to take some clippers to his head and commit to the fucking role), but the writers decided they should model the dialogue on the source material. Doesn’t everyone think ‘70s comic book dialogue crackles like a Diablo Cody script? Don’t you hear Luke Cage yell “Sweet Christmas!” and wonder why Oscar Wilde bothered to live? Not only was the dialogue in Iron Fist unforgivably childish, the writers clearly neglected the sheer number of times they lobbed a great big fisting joke up in the air for their listless, mildly stoned audience (or maybe they knew and were as bored as the rest of us). Even if the writers knew their business, they didn’t try all that hard with the entendres; at one point, Danny Rand says “They all want to use me for my fist,” and how the fuck were we, as a nation, supposed to remain upright in our chairs?
But the real reason it’s impossible to enjoy Season 2 of Iron Fist is the simple fact the concept, as a whole, is flawed. Even in 1974, an orphaned billionaire who learned martial arts likely seemed ridiculous given the presence of Batman and his lesser, liberal counterpart, Green Arrow. Why would anyone need a Danny Rand with Marvel’s Bruce Lee allusion (and alliteration), Shang-Chi, Master of Kung Fu, entering the universe the year prior? Was it somehow essential to the national economy that acne-ridden white boys stay enrolled in strip mall Tae Kwan Do schools and purchase more yellow fabric to make low-rent cowls? Consistently, Iron Fist played second fiddle in his own comic to regulars such as Colleen Wing and Misty Knight, not to mention a procession of guest and crossover characters all of whom, Howard the Duck included, proved more interesting and plausible than Danny Rand and his glowing grip. He couldn’t even complete the arc of his own first season: The Defenders did.
There’s no reason to watch Iron Fist Season 2, but it’s 2018, everything looks like it’s circling the cosmic shitter and I can’t tolerate any more high-minded dramas streaming into my home, resembling affectedly artistic creeks of Kombucha. I refuse aesthetic achievement; I’m going out to the dumpster of entertainment, drawing a ritual circle around it in lighter fluid and flicking my Bic. Let’s get this Trash Demon in the queue, kids. Buckle up and hide the knives. Pour out the bleach lest you pour it in your eyes. Press fucking play.
God, Jessica Jones needs a Season 3.
EPISODE 1
00:00: In the recap, I’m reminded that Rosario Dawson has earned off this show. I feel like I should be kinder, then someone speaks.
1:14: Silencers apparently come with guns in the Marvel Universe. Also, food supplies are extremely strained as the vast majority of delivery trucks contain gang members lying in wait.
2:00: Iron Fist’s mask looks like he bought a pair of cheaply-dyed lemon underwear and stretched a leg hole around his neck.
4:41: If you ever become a superhero, do not wait for all the enemies with guns to close in before you attack. Guns, this may surprise you, work at a distance. A dramatic moment is small consolation when buckshot perforates your lower intestines.
4:53: If I’m the toadie who gets my ass kicked, I’m not going to threaten retribution when I’m lying on the ground. I am going to lay there, bleed and think about my choices. Self-reflection is the first step on the road to change.
6:01: I really want someone to make one of these dramatic, CGI-intensive opening sequences and then, instead of an epic symphonic score, soundtrack it with a synth-heavy remake of the theme to Sanford and Son.
8:23: If you don’t want your partner to know about your vigilante doings, don’t keep the Fist Computer in the living room. Batman has a cave for that shit. Take fucking notes.
11:29: This is literally the first time I’ve ever heard a villain try to shake down another villain on the grounds that it was his wife’s suggestion. It’s kind of brilliant, really. “I wanted to sell you the nuke for 2.5 million, but you know, the wife…”
20:28: No one ever looked awesome making a getaway on a bike.
21:46: And Danny Rand just said, “Money can make as many problems as it solves.” But it does solve problems related to having enough money which, it turns out, is a shit ton of problems. I’m sure Paul Ryan will quote that line later this week in some variation.
26:44: I have never in 38 years waited for someone to open a door I am about to leave, turned to face them and then shared an intense gaze. I see this in movies and television six times a week. Am I just missing out on the fraught emotion of doors? Am I bad at door drama? When I leave a place, I am usually trying to decide whether to stop for cigarettes or a coffee on the way home. All those lost opportunities for doorframe longing. My life has been squandered.
34:22: The most unacknowledged superpower in the Marvel Universe is the ability to say the exact right thing and walk away. No one ever does what we all do, which is say something important and honest, utterly regret it, then mumble hot nonsense we can kick ourselves for later before wandering off.
39:24: If Colleen Wing said, “Date night is not the time to discuss your theories about power voids and war between the triads; sit still, look pretty and order me some more dumplings,” I would have infinitely more respect for this show than I could ever hope for.
43:54: If you run a Chinese restaurant in a cinematic universe, do they make you buy special insurance to cover gang fights in your kitchen? Does that require inspection? “You need to bolt that shelf to the floor, otherwise it could fall on some henchman who got thrown into it. That’s a serious liability.”
44:33: Aside from Once Upon a Time in Mexico, you never see fights in the kitchens of Mexican restaurants in movies. The more I think about it, it’s fucking eerie. Like criminals are afraid of fucking up Taco Tuesday.
48:54: And the phrase “A Hand Whore” was just used. I can hear the tracks creaking as the shitshow rollercoaster hits the peak of its ascent.
50:02: “The fist…it gives me purpose.” Annnnndddddd heeeeeerrrreeee weeeeeeee gooooooooo….
EPISODE 2
00:45: I appreciate when people try to frame a scene that would be boring in an interesting way, like using a camera angle that gives a perspective revealing something intricate about the psychology of the observer. However, based on the perspective and placement of this opening camera angle, the director sincerely wants us to understand what it is like to be a gnome peeking around a case full of fake purses.
01:28: No matter what people think of New Yorkers, there is no way that someone would come stumbling out of a souvenir shop with a black bag over their head and their intestines in their hands and not capture at least the passing interest of the crowd.
02:37: This show really reminds me of how much I liked the old Kung-Fu show with David Carradine. Perhaps if Finn Jones dropped a shit ton of LSD, or if the writers did, they could produce something half as likable or, alternately, get really into auto-erotic asphyxiation. I’d be fine with either at this point.
07:28: Can we as a culture stop-calling neurological episodes “spells”? More likely than not (I could check this in the O.E.D.), this use of the word comes from a historical time when we were all running about blaming the widowed neighbor lady for giving us migraines because we called the constable when we found her goat rutting with our sheep. Additionally, the word “spells” used in a medical context makes you sound like a weak-willed Southern aristocrat from a Faulkner novel.
07:51: Just in case you were wondering, The Oxford English Dictionary differs from the usual dictionary you run across in that it is a historical dictionary. In addition to telling you the various meanings of a word, The O.E.D. (academics call it by the acronym) provides a historical background and bibliography that tracks the usage and transformations of the word over time. You’d be astonished how many curse words found their written origin in the work of Chaucer. That dude was the cussingest cuss who ever cussed. Oh, and this show is still pretty much shit.
08:30: Danny and Colleen have company over and the security monitoring system that Danny uses to fight crime is on and clearly visible in the living room. This is like having your parents over and leaving a selection of porn mags fanned out on the coffee table the same way rich people display their copies of The New Yorker. Get. A. Fucking. Lair.
10:25: Typhoid Mary arrives, though I usually thought of her as a Daredevil or Spider-Man villain. Too bad they cancelled Daredevil before Matt Murdock had a chance to sleep with her (which happened in the comics). Come to think of it, Matt Murdock has slept with a lot of villains in the Marvel Universe. He’s kind of the John Mayer of the supervillain community.
13:57: Television shows try too damn hard to force drama through music and framing. If you want drama, give me a reason to give a whooping shit about the characters or the story. Framing some asshole in tight close-up and dropping in a percussive soundtrack does not produce a bumper crop on my field of fucks to give.
16:54: Colleen just referenced Chinatown, which is the closest this show will likely ever get to good film.
19:07: How come every gang in television shows or movies constantly has hip-hop or techno music blaring at their hideout? I would never join any criminal organization lacking the wherewithal to realize that loud music drowns out other important noises such as sirens, squealing tires, locks being picked and gunfire down the street. Also, if I ever have to include a gang in something I’m writing, they will all be fans of minimalist piano instrumentals.
32:08: Some of the characters are having a dramatic conversation in an art gallery. They seem to be having tense and loaded emotional moments. I am wishing they would pan around the gallery a bit.
37:56: There’s a whole stereotype in media that Chinese-Americans have hidden gambling dens all over major cities, and all of them look the settings for Hong-Kong action films starring Chow Yun Fat. Can a stereotype be both problematic and entirely awesome at the same time?
40:42: You don’t really expect a vaginal wetness joke in the middle of a Marvel show, but here we are.
41:17: Anytime someone plans something nefarious in whispers, like say sexual blackmail, in the same room as the target, I really wish they would just turn around and say, “I absolutely heard that.”
47:22: For some reason, a record by a Bauhaus-imitation band caused Danny Rand to flashback to a definitive martial arts fight. Whenever I hear “Bela Lugosi”, I just think of Clutch Cargo and a waitress wearing Kohl eyeliner.